Empowering Nature of a Request

Active Listening Series No. 9

In the late of one September night, Aidan whatsapped me and lamented that he was feeling stressed and exhausted, and regretting  for doing his post-graduate studies as a part-time student.

'What's up?’ I typed into my iPhone.

'I have an assignment, which I need to hand to the University this morning, and am not even midway into it, and now I have to beat the five-hour deadline. It is a struggle every night in the past week, and its effects is felt every morning at work! It is worse than a hangover!', he cried over across the screen.

'This sounds like the experience that you had when you were completing the last assignment, isn't it? How did you manage?’ I return the message.

'Yes! But this is more painful. Maybe, I should throw the towel in the ring.’ he emoticoned in tears and continued, ‘It was into the eleventh hour that I had submitted the last assignment and I had fallen sick after that.'

'This sounds bad,' I empathised and added, 'but how do you feel about the experience?'

'Disempowering! I have to forego everything! My gym sessions! My rest! I practically give up my personal life! I feel imprisoned!', he exclaimed.

'I understand how you feel,' acknowledging his trial and tribulations and added 'But I doubt you have fully exhausted your options?'

'What other options do I have but to meet the deadline?’ he shot back.

'Well, you have not made a request yet', I ventured.

'A request?’ he queried,

'Well, what could you request of the University?’ I asked.

'I could request for an extension?’ he replied.

'Yes.', I followed through.

'But.....!’ he shouted from the other side of the application.

I remained quiet, not wanting to encourage or acknowledge his feelings and emotions.

'But the University will not agree to the request! Besides, I may end up getting less marks', he justified the status-quo.

'Aren't you making a conclusion ahead of the facts?’ I pointed out where he was heading.

'I understand what you mean. I know what I am thinking of is not grounded in reality. What is real is when the Administration comes back informing me of the outcome. That's real', he added.

'Yeah. Your disempowerment is a result of not acting. You need more time but you are not asking. You feel disempowered because you are not in action!', I explained.

You see, we feel constrained much of our lives not because we are really constraint by our circumstances but because we talk ourselves into believing that our world is a constraining one, and our talk keeps us out of action.

 

In this space of inaction, we become truly disempowered. Our inaction activates no one into action and so no one comes to attend to our needs. Since we have not given anyone a chance to help us out of our situation, we also end up disenfranchising those who could act in their own ways to unconstrained us. This is the vicious cycle of disempowerment.

'So, what would you want to do now?’ I asked.

'Well, I think I should give the University a chance to help me. I will write them now and ask for an extension. Then, I am going to sleep. I really need the rest', Aidan proposed.

'Cool! Looks like you have a plan. Okay. It is getting late. I hear from you soon.', and I shut down my apps.

'Thank you.’ the apps notified back as I prepare to sleep.

This article was 1st written on 28 Nov 2012.
Copyright 2012. Anthony Mok. All Rights Reserved.

Intuitive Nature of the 4th Conversation

Active Listening No. 8

So far, a total of seven articles has been written to expound the various aspects of active listening, and it is now a good time to revisit and recap the key elements that have been laid out in the series before moving into the eighth article.

In Article 1, I have presented the characteristics of the first conversation and described the fundamentals of the second.  In the formal, the conversation is one that is oratorically expressed, and parties in this engagement are capable of hearing from each other. It is as if our thoughts and ideas were placed on the center stage and available for all who were present.

Unlike the first conversation, the latter exists as a conversation where the speaker and listener is one and the same. Here, the stage is brought into his inner sanctum, and he and only he hears the on-going of this piece of dialogue. Occasionally, the stage slips out from behind the curtains, but without the context, the listeners in this external domain are totally clueless about the exact meaning of the stuffs that are accidently disclosed.

In article 2, I have used a story to explore the mechanics of the third conversation. These are conversations that had happened in the past which we are no longer able to hear now. It is as if that the beams of the stage have been completely dismantled but the binds that had held them together still exist everywhere; tugging our thoughts about and affecting our  decisions and actions into the future

Intuitive Nature of the Fourth Conversation

With these descriptions etched at the back of our mind, let's explore the central piece of this article. Unlike the previous three conversations, the fourth is totally self-directed. We do not have natural abilities to shape it nor control its flow and movement

The fourth conversation has the following characteristics:

1.  It usually appears and disappears instantly,

2.  It usually comes in short bursts,

3.  It usually becomes forgotten very quickly, and

4.  It is usually easily interrupted or disrupted by distractions.

This suggests that we are unable to call on its faculties as and when we need them. It is as if the conversation has a mind of its own and is capable of being there without our explicit request, evolving into more complete forms without our conscious input, and influencing our decisions and actions without our exact permission. It is there when it is there and not when it is not. Even with these expressions, we cannot not label the conversation as dreams since they occur when we are awake. Rather, it is our subconscious extending itself into the conscious. It is the fountain from which we draw our insights and enlightenment, and the bedrock of creativity and new knowledge. We, as individuals, communities, organisations, and societies, depend on this conversation for our very own existence.

Although I have said that we do not have the natural ability to tap into this meta-level resource, I have not said that we cannot acquire it through practise. The fourth conversation exists, evolves and influences from within the space of the second conversation. This means, to access the fourth conversation, we need to have good command and control of this working space.

By commanding the space, we call on the second conversation whenever we need its services. By controlling the space, we keep the space quiet and give the fourth conversation the invitation it needs to consciously develop within it. Without the clutter associated with the second conversation, we become more acute in listening to the on-going of the fourth conversation and in nudging it forward without interfering with its form.

So, there are two muscles that we need to build. The first is the muscle to hold the second conversation in check so that the incoming fourth conversation is not destroyed by the second's always evaluative, judgmental and decisive properties.

The second muscle we need to acquire is the ability to nudge the conversation forward without participating in its contents. Here, we hold the space by thinking the thinking behind the fourth conversation so that it gains clarity on its own.

Here are the integrated steps for manipulating the fourth conversation in the space of the second:

• Acknowledge - Become aware of our internal conversations and acknowledge that we are not deranged when we talk to ourselves, 

• Assess - Determine if our second conversations is cluttering its space, 

• Intervene - Shout into this space to demand for its silence if it is cluttered, 

• Wait - As the second conversation begins to quiet down, wait for the fourth conversation to populate its space, Be patient if the fourth conversation is silent. Just wait and it will begin to speak. Let it speaks for a while before moving into the last step. 

• Clarify - Think about the thinking behind our fourth conversation to gain a higher level of cognitive effectiveness. Let the fourth conversation speaks its mind. 

Both of these muscles are not something that comes naturally to us and therefore we have to build them up over time through practise.

By executing these integrated steps, we give the fourth conversation a chance to come into existence, and with our presence of mind, we can effectively set the space up to capture and play with it until   something valuable comes to us.

This article was 1st written on 28 Nov 2012.
Copyright 2012. Anthony Mok. All Rights Reserved.