Active Listening Series No. 5
Many of us cannot clearly distinguish the difference between keeping our promises and honouring our words, and this handicap has unnecessarily punished us for a very long time.
Let me share with you a story to expand on this idea.
Thomas is a loving husband and caring father who recently lost his wife to cancer. He has made a commitment to Wendy that he will be both the father and mother to two of their teenage daughters. The family is not well-to-do, and the illness has set them back by tens of thousand of dollars. Thomas is struggling to keep things going with the meager wage he receives each week but he is too proud to ask for help.
I had not met Thomas since we have completed full-time National Service. It is by a chanced meeting along Orchard Road during Christmas Day that we begin to meet regularly for tea.
‘Happy Chinese New Year!’ an exhausted looking Thomas called out to me when we met at The Central, the shopping centre, recently.
‘Same to you!’ I replied and follow with, ‘How have you been?’
After we had ordered our meals and beverages, he continued, ‘I am tired.’
‘I can see. Tell me more,’ I encouraged.
‘I have been avoiding Jenny, my younger daughter,’ was his short answer.
As we began having our meals and sipping tea, I had learnt that Thomas was feeling very guilty for not bringing Jenny, who had done well in her P.S.L.E examinations, to Malacca.
‘You know, I really want to reward her with this trip but if we go, I have to bring the elder daughter as well. I just cannot afford it. Each day, I can see so much of anger in her eyes. I am so guilty that I left for work early and return home late to avoid seeing her. I am a failure. I am a bad father,’ he finished off.
I can feel Thomas’ sorrow and pain, and begin to share with him the difference between keeping a promise and honouring our words.
‘Isn’t they the same?’ Thomas asked after hearing the two phrases.
‘No, and this is the source of your current sorry and pain,’ and I distinguished their differences.
A promise is a declaration that something will or will not be done. Sometimes, we do fail to deliver the promise. However, we need not have to punish ourselves because of this with guilt and stay away from the people we had make the promise to.
‘But she is my daughter. How could I feel less guilty?’ Thomas asked.
‘You see, we feel guilty and want to avoid the very people we have make promises to not because we have failed to deliver the promises. We do all these because we are afraid that they think that we are dishonourable, and being dishonourable means a loss of face for us, which is painful. As they are close and important to us, the solution of staying away from them only brings us sorrow and more pain,’ I continued, ‘Honouring our word is about giving a warrant and assurance that the promise will be fulfilled even when it is not delivered at this moment. We are honourable as long as we stop running away from the very people we have given our word to and acknowledge with them about the lapse. We are honourable when we stay committed and being responsible in seeing that the promise is delivered at the next available opportunity.’
‘And this is the difference between keeping a promise and honouring our word,’ I concluded.
A few months later, we were again chatting over tea and I have learnt from Thomas that his relationship with Jenny has vastly improved.
‘What have you done?’ I asked.
Thomas has told me that he had a talk with her Jenny after our conversation to explain to her his difficulties. What has came as a surprise for Thomas was he had found out that the source of her anger was not about the broken promise but because Thomas had avoiding her. More surprisingly, Jenny wanted to contribute her savings to make the trip possible for the whole family.
‘So you went to Malacca?’ I asked.
‘Yes! We did,’ he said, ‘During the Easter holidays, and it is the best holiday we ever have as a family since Wendy had left us.’
Many of us cannot clearly distinguish the difference between keeping our promises and honouring our words, and this handicap has unnecessarily punished us for a very long time.
Let me share with you a story to expand on this idea.
Thomas is a loving husband and caring father who recently lost his wife to cancer. He has made a commitment to Wendy that he will be both the father and mother to two of their teenage daughters. The family is not well-to-do, and the illness has set them back by tens of thousand of dollars. Thomas is struggling to keep things going with the meager wage he receives each week but he is too proud to ask for help.
I had not met Thomas since we have completed full-time National Service. It is by a chanced meeting along Orchard Road during Christmas Day that we begin to meet regularly for tea.
‘Happy Chinese New Year!’ an exhausted looking Thomas called out to me when we met at The Central, the shopping centre, recently.
‘Same to you!’ I replied and follow with, ‘How have you been?’
After we had ordered our meals and beverages, he continued, ‘I am tired.’
‘I can see. Tell me more,’ I encouraged.
‘I have been avoiding Jenny, my younger daughter,’ was his short answer.
As we began having our meals and sipping tea, I had learnt that Thomas was feeling very guilty for not bringing Jenny, who had done well in her P.S.L.E examinations, to Malacca.
‘You know, I really want to reward her with this trip but if we go, I have to bring the elder daughter as well. I just cannot afford it. Each day, I can see so much of anger in her eyes. I am so guilty that I left for work early and return home late to avoid seeing her. I am a failure. I am a bad father,’ he finished off.
I can feel Thomas’ sorrow and pain, and begin to share with him the difference between keeping a promise and honouring our words.
‘Isn’t they the same?’ Thomas asked after hearing the two phrases.
‘No, and this is the source of your current sorry and pain,’ and I distinguished their differences.
A promise is a declaration that something will or will not be done. Sometimes, we do fail to deliver the promise. However, we need not have to punish ourselves because of this with guilt and stay away from the people we had make the promise to.
‘But she is my daughter. How could I feel less guilty?’ Thomas asked.
‘You see, we feel guilty and want to avoid the very people we have make promises to not because we have failed to deliver the promises. We do all these because we are afraid that they think that we are dishonourable, and being dishonourable means a loss of face for us, which is painful. As they are close and important to us, the solution of staying away from them only brings us sorrow and more pain,’ I continued, ‘Honouring our word is about giving a warrant and assurance that the promise will be fulfilled even when it is not delivered at this moment. We are honourable as long as we stop running away from the very people we have given our word to and acknowledge with them about the lapse. We are honourable when we stay committed and being responsible in seeing that the promise is delivered at the next available opportunity.’
‘And this is the difference between keeping a promise and honouring our word,’ I concluded.
A few months later, we were again chatting over tea and I have learnt from Thomas that his relationship with Jenny has vastly improved.
‘What have you done?’ I asked.
Thomas has told me that he had a talk with her Jenny after our conversation to explain to her his difficulties. What has came as a surprise for Thomas was he had found out that the source of her anger was not about the broken promise but because Thomas had avoiding her. More surprisingly, Jenny wanted to contribute her savings to make the trip possible for the whole family.
‘So you went to Malacca?’ I asked.
‘Yes! We did,’ he said, ‘During the Easter holidays, and it is the best holiday we ever have as a family since Wendy had left us.’
This article was 1st written on 13 May 2010.
Copyright 2010. Anthony Mok. All Rights Reserved.
