Active Listening Series No. 2
'Think outside the box' is one of those management jargons that has been wildly circulated and widely used in many learning communities in the world.
But what does it really mean? What is the 'box' mentioned in the phrase? We have included an 'outside' in the maxim, how does the inside looks like? Since we know we need to 'think' to get out, then what kind of thinking should we use to do that?
There are many answers that need to be found in these questions. Let's revisit active listening and the second conversation to see what these concepts could inform us.
We will have different encounters that give us a variety of experiences throughout our lives. Some are of our choosing. Others are entrusted upon us out of circumstances. There are the ones that had given us happiness and left us with many enduring memories. There are others so nasty that we just wanted to forget, even to walk out of life to end them all.
In Pursuit of Happiness
Humans are such calculative creatures. We will do anything and everything to stay in a space that enables us to keep doing, having and being with things that delight. In the face of frustration, anger, sadness, hardship and pain, we employ the same or with even greater amount of energy do the opposite. We are just creatures into self-preservation.
So, we create, develop and use strategies that help us keep receiving those experiences that we want and strategies of un-having, undoing and un-being with those that we want to avoid. We identify triggers that cue us to these strategies and they become heuristics that are hardwired into our sub-consciousness, like lines of instructional codes, defining who we are and how we should behave.
The process of creating these strategies could be over in a moment and it occurs only in our second conversation and no where else. With time, we forget the very reasons for these decisions and the exact time they were made. When we progress further into time, the strategies themselves become silent, leaving us with nothing but cues that instinctively trigger us into action, and clues for those perceptive few, whom we intimately know, of the many decisions we had made long ago.
Living the Future From the Past
In making each decision, we created a psychological pact with time that commits us to a future that is bounded by the singularities of our past. It is in these decisions that we had made, committed to and eventually forgotten that form the lines of the box in which we now live; the invisible barriers that allow or prevent us from really doing and having something, or being who we can be. These are the boundaries that shape the box, and inside its space, we are always restricted from accessing the source of our own breakthroughs and restrained in many ways on how we could authentically live our lives.
These decisions are not made from a singular time but throughout life; yesterday, today and tomorrow. We will continue strategising, determining cues and making commitments into the future to enrich the nature of the boundaries that enclose us. We add, shape and change the decisions we had made in the past, now and future. We do these to ensure that we are better at surviving the harsh realities of a world of having, doing and being; all in the pursuance of happiness.
The Silence in the 3rd Conversation
We know the nature of our second conversation. It is selective, evaluative and judgmental. We know because we could hear it as it happens and, therefore, are capable of stopping it or letting it run. We have a choice there.
The third conversation is different. It is totally silent. The third conversation was a second conversation that had taken place and ended ages ago. Metaphorically, we could envisage the third conversation as an all powerful recording of an old second conversation that was written into our psyche, now speaking and controlling from within without its frequency and vibration ever being felt. This means that while we may not be able to explain why we do what we had done, these behaviours are never random. We cannot stop these behaviours at the conversational level like the second conversation since it cannot be heard. Choice cannot be exercise here.
The intervention has to be executed at the source.
In Love With Myself
Let me tell you a story.
We have been attached for more than a decade now but I had never really loved my partner until in the recent few years.
Of course, you are shocked by both the revelation and my honesty. Most, who had heard of this, were, but hold that thought for a moment. Do not judge me yet. Let me finish my story. You will get something out of this. I promise.
Why was I not in love?
You see. Some years ago, before I met my current partner, I was attached to someone whom I loved but we broke up. Being my first relationship, the aftermath was bad. It was a disaster, with school, work and sports in tow. I had depression and it lasted for about eight months. I did not recognise it after many years later.
Those were eight months of self-blame, sadness, hatred, and pain, and I had made a decision then. I must protect myself, at all cost, against feeling the pain again. The strategy was simple. I was to never break up again. I reasoned that when there was no break-up, there will be no pain.
I was attached again and in those years I was stressed. Stressed by what? Stressed by the fear that my partner not wanting me. Stress by my effort of reading cues that may signal an impending break up, which was exhausting me. Stressed by the readiness to respond immediately in the event of a mishap. Stressed by the need to respond at each sign of trouble. Each time she seemed to be unhappy, I appeased. Each time she seemed to be angry, I apologised. Whatever I did was about signalling her how important she was to me and that I was the right one for her. I was focusing on the 'what if .....' .
This was a long relationship. With time, I had forgotten the reason for the stress. With time, I had forgotten why I was doing all these. I was like a machine; just responding to the triggers of doing, having, and being safe but this was never a relationship I wanted because it was a sorrowful one. I was never happy. I did not know that being safe was this painful as well. I was not in love with my partner. I was surviving the relationship. I was in love with myself.
Getting Our Breakthroughs From the Past
I was not aware of my predicament. Why? Because I had forgotten that second conversation that had happened ages ago. It had become totally silent. It has morphed into a third conversation, talking to me and controlling every direction I took. It was too silent to warn me of the perils I was in. I was totally disempowered. That was until one night four years ago.
How did I stop the third conversation? I went back in time.
To go the source of my breakthrough, I have to accept that nothing in my actions is co-incidental. There is always a cause and the resultant effect. My actions, the effects, point to the source of the cause.
So, I went back to a time where I first encountered this uneasiness of being incomplete and I uncovered the driver of the third conversation. By cognitively going backwards in time, I dig up the second conversation, which had gone silent, and I recognised how absurd it was. To trace the cause at source requires me to courageously accept that I will go no further if I am to stay where I was. Doing and having more, and being wiser merely sink me deep into that position. What I need is a breakthrough so that I could leave the box that enclosed me for this long.
Dumping the Past for the Future
I made a choice, on that night four years ago, to dump the boundaries from my psyche altogether and walk out of the box. This single thought set me free. This put me in a space that is cleared of my old baggage; like a clearing of some sort in a forest where the sunlight can at last reach its floor. It is as if my programming codes have been reinitialised and restarted again, and now I could begin life on a clean slate.
I love my partner.
Suddenly I saw all the things she had done for me. For my own selfish reason of living for myself I cannot see the generosity, forgiving and loving nature of my partner. I was too blinded by my own third conversation to see all these to appreciate them and love her back. I have started to do see my partner in a new light. I have seen the 'what it could be .....' in our relationship.
I told my partner about the whole thing. Of course, it was dramatic as it was done in between sobs and tears, as it was difficult to admit I was wrong about my whole life but this piece of conversation releases me from my bondage. I felt liberated; one more conversation gone.
What was the future has come to the past. The decisions of the past no longer need to influence how we live in our new future. The strangle hold of the third conversation has been broken.
These are the language of the third conversation and the way it works in our minds.
What does it really mean? What is the 'box' mentioned in the phrase? We have included an 'outside' in the maxim, how does the inside looks like? Since we know we need to 'think' to get out, then what kind of thinking should we use to do that?
I have three instruments that help individuals like me answer these questions. They have been successfully been used in several organisations.
These tools are:
Innovation Performance Derailment ProfileTM
Do your personal transformative efforts met with much resistence? Are your efforts to create lasting change and transformation endangered by derailment? Here is a self-assessment that helps you identify your obstacles for breakthrough and determine your margin of safety.
Opportunity-Obstacle Quotient (QO2)
The Opportunity-Obstacle Quotient is a personality profile that provides answers to all the questions you may raise after knowing your derailment profile. It informs you of your way of perceiving opportunities and obstacles. It shows your level of propensity to breakthrough self-imposed limits and provides a window to look at your personal barriers in developing and growing your live. The information from the profile helps you improve the way you
contribute to your own capacity and capability for fruitful outcomes.
Journey to KinderlandTM
Journey to KinderlandTM is a mechanism designed to help you deepen what you have discovered of your own personal limitations. The game creates opportunities for debriefs after the QO2 is revealed to you.
This article was 1st written in Sept 2008 and update in Feb & May 2009.
Copyright 2008 and 2009. Anthony Mok. All Rights Reserved.
We are all social animals. We make stories about the listener through the information we pick up in our interactions and conversations. We also make stories about ourselves as speakers. Most of the time, these stories are not even true. There is nothing wrong about this. This is just a part of our inheritance as humans, and we use it very efficiently. We do all these - concluding, deciding, and reacting - in split seconds.
We are all social animals. We make stories about the listener through the information we pick up in our interactions and conversations. We also make stories about ourselves as speakers. Most of the time, these stories are not even true. There is nothing wrong about this. This is just a part of our inheritance as humans, and we use it very efficiently. We do all these - concluding, deciding, and reacting - in split seconds.
