Active Listening Series No. 3
Steven and I meet regularly for meals and we will talk about things.
This was a conversation that we had one afternoon when we talked about aspirations.
'I like to have more training. Could you help?' Steven asked while we were walking towards a nearby foodcourt for our lunch.
'I want to but you have some limitations.' I replied as we walked into the foodcourt.
He asked, 'what are these?'
'What are some of the programmes you have wanted to do but we have never assigned them to you?' I asked as I was thinking about the meal I wanted to order.
'Like leadership programmes. Maybe helming engagements that have participants holding more senior appointments. I would like to do workshops as well,' he came back to my questions and suggested that we should have fried rice for lunch.
I followed with 'what is missing here?'
'What do you mean by missing?' he queried.
'What do you not have now that is stopping you from getting what you want?' I complete my line of questioning as I looked over my shoulder for a place to sit down.
'I need to be certified in the use of some profiling instruments, like MBTI and DiSC,' he replied.
I looked at him and asked, 'have you done anything yet?'
He said, 'No,' and I followed quickly by asking for the reasons.
'Well, you know I don't earn much. These certifications are expensive. MBTI costs S$3,500 and DiSC is at S$2,000. I don't have the money,' said Steven as he led me to an emptied table nearby.
I replied, 'but you could save or obtain a sponsorship from your employer'. However, before I could continue, he interjected by revealing his two key objections to these suggestions - saving had a long gestation period and the notion of serving a bond with his sponsor was unacceptable.
'Could you hear yourself?' I asked and started chewing my rice.
He asked, 'what do you mean?'
'Could you repeat what you have just told me?' was my reply.
He looked at me quizzingly, and said 'Are you referring to the difficulties of saving and getting bonded with my company?' He reproduced what he had articulated earlier and said 'Alright, I have said it. What now?'
I smiled and highlighted to him that he has taken his life lightly, and questioned, 'Could you tell me what these sound like to you?'
'They are the difficulties or obstacles', he replied.
I encouraged him to tell me more and he continued, 'Yes. These are my reasons why I couldn't do these certifications, and without these I couldn't conduct more programmes for reasonableyour company'.
'But are they real?' I questioned. He looked at me and provided a strong affirmation to my query. I asked again 'Are they real?'
'What do you mean by real? Of couse they are! If not, I would have completed the certifications some time ago,' he reiterated. 'They are the reasons why I am in my current predicament'.
'You mean these are your excuses for in-action!' I insisted.
'They are not!' He shot back.
'Let me try it this way. You said you cannot save. How do you know? Have you started on a saving scheme already? You said you cannot entertain the idea of being bonded? How do you know the sponsorship can only be secured through serving a bond? Have you personally spoken to the CEO of the company about alternative approaches in getting the sponsorshlp? Have you done these?
'No. I have not', as he leaned back after the hearty meal.
'Then, your claims are not real. The difficulties or challenges you had mentioned are just your excuses for not moving on with your life,' I continued to coach.
I could see that he was struggling with the idea and I began to give him the key insights into the concept of being reasonable.
I continued, 'What you have actually done is that you had labelled all your excuses as reasons. There is a distinct difference between an excuse and a reason. A reason is based on facts and an excuse is not.To ensure that your claims sound reasonable to yourself and real to others, you imbuned them with justifications, which are the 'becauses' that further insulate you from seeing the truth. Anything that does not fit into this reality is rejected. All these excuses and 'becauses' become your repertoire of stories and dramas used, instrumented and manipulated by you to explain the mechanisms that had deprived you of your breakthroughs. These forever protect you against having to take personal responsibility for your own life.
Your actlons and behaviours become the script of your life. It is through this script that you demonstrate the stories and seek affirmation from others. The social process for carrying these out over time helps with the editing, change and refinement of your script. All in all, this pretence that the problem is out there and not within you prevents you from getting what you are potentially capable of having. You have become accomodative towards everything that is found in your life script. You have become reasonable and your constant explanations ol what stops you becomes your racket'.
After much thought, Steven asked, 'You mean I should not be reasonable with people and things around me?'
'No. You cannot be unreasonable with others. You can come across to others as aggressive when you turn to the extremes. Besides, you could never change others. The only control you have to achieve breakthroughs and success is in yourself and for yourself. You could introduce the concept to them so that they acquire the space for greater things. This means you can only be unreasonable with yourself', I said.
'Unreasonable with myself?' Steven asked, 'How could I do this?'
'This is very easy. Just stop letting your excuses and becauses get in your way. They are not the reasons why you are where you are. Your excuses and becauses are. Only when you try, and in trying you encounter an obstacle, than that excuse becomes a reason but as human, we are capable of overcoming it. It is this simple!' I suggested.
'I understand now. Thank you for helping me attaining this knowledge'. said Steven in an appreciative manner.
'I feel most honored that you have gotten what you are capable of having. Let's celebrate with lunch next week', I ended the coaching with the invitation.
'Sure! I will let you know what comes out from this awareness next week.' Steven replied as he walked by to his office.
'It's all about practice and you should begin now', I called out to his direction.
'Cool!' he called out as the doors of lift closes between us and I proceed to walk back to my routine work.
Monday, December 22, 2008
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